I really don't know why I stay up far too late, doing things that aren't even necessary in the daytime. It's somewhat mysoginistic. I have a bitch of a headache right now, and I've been exhausted for most of the day. I nearly fell asleep in one class today and would've taken a nap during one of my breaks, but was afraid I'd oversleep like I did this morning. But it is now 1:56 a.m., and I am still awake. I am listening to music on YouTube because I am too exhausted to get up and get my iPod out of my purse, which is a grand total of two feet away.
I would like nothing better than to be unconscious for the next eight hours, which is about how long I will be able to sleep, but I cannot bring myself to stand up, walk down the hall, remove my contacts, brush my teeth, wash my face, and climb into my bed, despite how appealing that plan sounds to my aching muscles and slightly unfocused eyes.
I think some of it has to do with my thought process at 1:59 in the morning. For some reason, I turn existentialist and philosopher in the wee hours of the morning. I can follow very long trains of thought better then and pretty much every epiphany I've ever had (not that there have been a lot) occured sometime between 1:00 and 3:00 in the morning. If I'm writing a paper, I get more done then than I do at any other time. I'm more focused and more easily distracted then than I am at any other time and I get more pissed off and more elated then than I do any other time. And I don't know why.
But I can't stop listening to The Rolling Stones and Placebo and I think I can feel every single heartbeat in the dorm. I'm lonely and, at the same time, completely complete unto myself. I miss something or someone I wouldn't recognize if I saw it dancing in the street. I love humanity more than I can bring myself to when I'm conscious enough to recognize its actions and I've never used drugs, have no idea what they feel like, but if this is anything like it then I think I'll pass. Insomnia's cheaper.
Fun fact: Apparently going without sleep for about 36 hours or so is equivalent to having a blood alcohol content of .1 percent. Having experienced 36 hours of sleeplessness but not having been drunk, I cannot confirm this. However, I don't recommend the sleeplessness.
I am now almost falling asleep on the keyboard and am exerting my will on my arms and legs. Bonne nuit, mes amis. Je veux dormir.
Monday, August 27, 2007
Saturday, August 18, 2007
One small step...
It's different being at college.
You expect life to be somewhat different. That's par for the course. You're in a new place with a (possibly) drastically different atmosphere from your high school, or town, or whatever. You may be living away from home for the first time; you may be sharing living space with a complete stranger, figuring out the complex little dance of coexistence that has to be mastered to prevent one or both of you from going postal. You learn to deal.
I'm not even sure how I expected life to change; I only know that I thought it would be. And it is. I've attended four classes so far; my first, chemistry, was as large as my graduating class. My second, calculus, was like a rerun of high school -- we did some very basic review and I was bored out of my skull, but I don't foresee any problems. My French teacher speaks nothing but French and I think that class is going to be a real challenge, which is nice. And life is different. But it all feels a little unreal still. It's so much like my freshman year of high school -- I remember the panic, the sheer unwavering constant apprehensiveness about meeting new people, seeing different kinds of people, wondering how to behave. It's so familiar it's almost terrifying, but comforting at the same time; at least it is familiar.
I'll adjust. I know I will. It's just that last time, it took me two or three years to assimilate. I cringe now at the memory of who I was for a while, out of sheer desperation to fit in somewhere. I'm done with that. I want to meet new people, but I don't really want to redefine myself -- and at the same time I do. It's hard to explain. I'm jealous of people who don't have a lot of people from their old school here, because it's hard to really find out who you are when there are people who know who you were in high school and already have expectations of you.
I kind of want to go back to being a loner for a while, if only because it's so much simpler. I only really feel like myself when I'm completely alone; I almost always feel like I'm acting, being judged, when I'm around others. And I am, even if they aren't doing it deliberately. I know they are, because I'm doing it myself to them. I don't judge people's actions; I don't pretend to know what they should or shouldn't do, but there's a different kind of judgement that simply involves getting to know them. It's not bad; it's all a very complex part of human relationships. But you're lucky to meet five people in this lifetime that you don't do it to and that don't do it to you; they are the only people you will feel completely comfortable around, no matter what, and they are very rare. You might call them soul mates, but I think it's a little deeper and more complicated than that. It's more like a perfect understanding of each other's characters and personalities. It's very intense. So far, I only have that kind of perfect connection with two or three of my blood relatives. So I tend to avoid human company sometimes. It's not antisocial. It's just a comfort thing.
Until next week.
You expect life to be somewhat different. That's par for the course. You're in a new place with a (possibly) drastically different atmosphere from your high school, or town, or whatever. You may be living away from home for the first time; you may be sharing living space with a complete stranger, figuring out the complex little dance of coexistence that has to be mastered to prevent one or both of you from going postal. You learn to deal.
I'm not even sure how I expected life to change; I only know that I thought it would be. And it is. I've attended four classes so far; my first, chemistry, was as large as my graduating class. My second, calculus, was like a rerun of high school -- we did some very basic review and I was bored out of my skull, but I don't foresee any problems. My French teacher speaks nothing but French and I think that class is going to be a real challenge, which is nice. And life is different. But it all feels a little unreal still. It's so much like my freshman year of high school -- I remember the panic, the sheer unwavering constant apprehensiveness about meeting new people, seeing different kinds of people, wondering how to behave. It's so familiar it's almost terrifying, but comforting at the same time; at least it is familiar.
I'll adjust. I know I will. It's just that last time, it took me two or three years to assimilate. I cringe now at the memory of who I was for a while, out of sheer desperation to fit in somewhere. I'm done with that. I want to meet new people, but I don't really want to redefine myself -- and at the same time I do. It's hard to explain. I'm jealous of people who don't have a lot of people from their old school here, because it's hard to really find out who you are when there are people who know who you were in high school and already have expectations of you.
I kind of want to go back to being a loner for a while, if only because it's so much simpler. I only really feel like myself when I'm completely alone; I almost always feel like I'm acting, being judged, when I'm around others. And I am, even if they aren't doing it deliberately. I know they are, because I'm doing it myself to them. I don't judge people's actions; I don't pretend to know what they should or shouldn't do, but there's a different kind of judgement that simply involves getting to know them. It's not bad; it's all a very complex part of human relationships. But you're lucky to meet five people in this lifetime that you don't do it to and that don't do it to you; they are the only people you will feel completely comfortable around, no matter what, and they are very rare. You might call them soul mates, but I think it's a little deeper and more complicated than that. It's more like a perfect understanding of each other's characters and personalities. It's very intense. So far, I only have that kind of perfect connection with two or three of my blood relatives. So I tend to avoid human company sometimes. It's not antisocial. It's just a comfort thing.
Until next week.
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